SOCIALLY AWKWARD

Kids of the 90s unite for a moment in remembrance of the troll: their seemingly normal nakedness; those curmudgeonly little faces and the toxic smell of that punky neon hair.

Mention the word ‘troll’ now and it’s a dark and sinister cavern of rubbishness. The desperately lonesome (and often illiterate) folk who get off penning things like, ‘if I see you cunt, I’ll rape you’ or ‘totes ugly’ – to an 18-month-old Down’s Syndrome kid – have essentially ruined the Internet for everyone.

While these oiks are undeniably vile, there's two opposing sides that have formed to create an unrealistic – and arguably vacuous – blathering ground. You’re either a lover or a hater, it seems, with limited room for joshing, jibing and, dare I say it, a soupcon of bitching.

Let’s be honest, whatever lies between gushing like porcine powerhouse Peppa Pig and ranting like a giddy extremist is the glue that binds our wearied, parented-out souls. Sure, we’re happy that the coconut-infused gluten-free cupcakes worked out for that baby shower, but show us the batch that resembled carb Armageddon – that’s the money shot.

The reality is that by presenting an immaculate exterior detracts from the sometimes broken and catastrophically messy interior. It’s this barren wasteland between gusher and ranter that actually brings people – especially vulnerable, pink-eyed parents who need to see someone else accidentally microwaving a nipple teat – together.

One of my closest friends recently emailed me with the subject matter: ‘god awful selfie’. It was a three paragraph barrage of abuse about a selfie I took last week. Keen to bask in the faux love that flows when a selfie emerges (‘love the hair’, ‘HOT’, ‘ooh’ [insert dancing emoticon] blah, blah etc.), I’d forgotten that a healthy dollop of abuse from those you love goes a long way. Her parting words: ‘love your hair/face/brain, but stop being a massive vain c**t’.

I take my friends loving, sure, but with a side of bitchiness. And a collection of trolls.

Mother Pukka is launching a #parentfail campaign in aid of charity Right To Play to help parents see that social media often filters things into a sad no-mans-land of untruth. Please send a photo of yourself holding a white piece of paper with your #parentfail written on it to anna@motherpukka.co.uk. Think 'dog shaming' but for parents. Examples so far include: 'I once peed into a nappy behind a tree because I couldn't make it to the toilet' and 'I eat things off the floor when my toddler has his lunch to save getting a cloth.' Each contribution will be compiled in a video that is set to raise money for a brilliant cause. Do it for the kids.