INSTASHAM

Instagram is a cruel mistress. I love her and hate her in equal measure; one minute I’m pondering the benefits of Amaro over Ludwig (if you don’t get those references, stop reading) and revelling in a ‘double’ (a comment and a like from the same stranger), the next I’m wading through my camera roll wondering why my life is so shit.

And then news hits that Instagram has overtaken Twitter (nearly 35 million people used Instagram at least once a month last year, compared with 30.8 million using Twitter's mobile app, according to research group E-Marketer), coupled with Zuckerberg’s stats that we spend 58 minutes (and the rest) on Instagram every day.

With this photo deluge hushing those pesky tweet tweets, it’s time to wonder where this is all going. And it’s a game of three halves – I know that’s mathematically impossible, but whack a filter on and all is OK.

The good

When it’s good, it’s very very good. On those lonesome 3am breastfeeds, it offers welcome respite from the pneumatic breasts hogging headlines on the Daily Mail. It gives a connection at a time of great disconnection and it offers up a space to share the mammoth task of bringing the life project to fruition – all without having to leave the house. [Insert row of clapping hands emoticons and, perhaps, a house].

Charities benefit from it (check out Selfish Mother’s #MotherTee for Women for Women), while proper talent rises to the fore (comedienne Deliciously Stella went from 756 followers to 7,890 in five days based on her ‘pie-lattes’ post with her holding the two of the calorific foodstuffs) and it’s a perfect spot for small businesses to get shit done (Tiba + Marl are rocking it with their unisex nappy bags). Dollar bill emoticons all round.

The bad

When it’s bad, it’s very very bad. On those lonesome 3am breastfeeds when you’re wondering if you’ve accidentally put two pairs of knickers on and a ‘post-gym, hitting the beach with my matcha carob vitamin A smoothie’ pops up from some random Miami youth you accidentally followed, it can be devastating.

It’s like one person took the vain leap into selfie-dom (a mashed-up Australian called ‘Hopey’ came up with it apparently) and like lemmings we followed. And I’m as guilty as the next. Never in a million years would I have directed a camera at my face and puckered up for all to see PI (pre-instagram). But after seeing, like, three people doing it, I mentally switched from ‘nay’ to ‘yay’.

Someone leads, I follow. And suddenly what’s normal on Instagram becomes abnormal in everyday life; you find yourself posing against walls and standing on chairs to get a shot of your rather average lukewarm brunch.

The ugly

What unites me with my closest friends is the catastrophes that punctuate everyday life. It’s the ‘I accidentally sent an email slagging my boss off… to my boss’. It’s the ‘I have decided to call this spot Howard because it’s taken on a life of its own.’ It’s the ‘why isn’t there a real life PhotoShop for my shitty shitty house?’

Rarely do we connect so heartily over a perfect cappuccino foam, some new Nikes or avocado toast with requisite chili flakes.

It’s the reason the brilliant photographer Charlotte Grey set up her #onefromreallife and why I’m asking parents to share their #parentfail for charity Right to Play International. There’s room for beauty, of course; noone is denying that. I love a gawp at those immaculate Scandinavian homes as much as the next Insta-lurker. But this seeming perfection must somehow be counter-balanced with reality for us to continue liking, commenting and keeping Instagram ahead of the Twitter twattery.

So as Instagram takes over the world one photo at a perfectly filtered time, I’ve hit a slight brick wall in that I have a list of rubbish admin (‘send off child benefit form; buy mouse trap’) to do. I’m off Instagram for a couple of days (soon to return, ready for some turbo emoticonning) and might actually eat some avocado toast on a slightly chipped plate. But mainly it’s to stop my daughter worrying if her mama is, in fact, an iPhone.

[Insert twin dancing girl emoticon]