BLOOMIN' RUBBISH

"I cried, I actually cried. I'm not a crier". While bawling about everything is pretty standard for a new Mum post-splash down (I once found myself holding a pineapple in Tescos; one solitary tear running down my face), it's not the first time I've heard this from a friend after sending a Don't Buy Her Flowers package.

Set up by Steph Douglas, this is a company that eschews the go-to flowers for packages of chocolates, gin, beauty condiments and food vouchers - the stuff new mother's dreams are made of. Begone babygros, adios wilting peonies, this is for you; the one who hoofed an urchin out.

From one mother to another, flowers are lovely but when you're wearing a gargantuan maxi pad and have liquid flooding out of every orifice, they're bloomin' rubbish. Here's why:

1. You can’t see. Like, it’s all a proper blur.

2. You can only just keep a human alive, let alone a flower.

3. You can’t eat flowers.

4. You can’t drink flowers.

5. You can’t ask flowers how the human works.

6. Flowers are a constant reminder of the outside world.

7. Noone owns ten vases.

8. Flowers make you think of those people on Instagram who have time to arrange, photograph and keep flowers alive.

9. Flowers die.

10. Then they look sad.

11. Then you look sad.

12. Then they smell like an old man’s boot.

13. Sellophane, thorns, poisonous sachets.

14. Flowers aren’t gin.

Packages start at £21, to order go here.