ANGRY BIRD

Our resident angry bird, Michelle Harris tells Victoria Beckham where to stick her Louboutins

Fashion followers among you will have seen sulky-faced-shit-singer Victoria Beckham in attendance with her tribe at New York Fashion Week just days ago. And fair enough, she knows her LBD from her elbow and is as great at this secondary career as she wasn’t at being a Pop Princess. That isn’t my beef. My beef is the totally inappropriate way that the press have chosen to include her three-year-old daughter Harper in the coverage, and the resulting comments from moronic readers.

Firstly, the poor kid looks bored. What pre-schooler wouldn’t be? I am all for family support but come on, my three year old has been known to threaten a dirty protest in Mothercare if I take too long looking at baby-boy-clothes for her brother, or don’t cough up 50p for the Ben and Holly ride-on within four minutes of entering the store. Three year olds are self-centred; the empathy thing has not properly kicked in and Harper does not care about Mummy’s Fall 2015 collection; she wants to be home watching TV and it’s written all over her face. But despite this, the media was full of references to ‘adorable support’ and what a lucky girl Harper was to be watching clever mummy’s show from the best seat in the house, (gasp!) her dad’s lap, and then be carried home by big bro Brooklyn, as if no kid ever lugged his sister about before. Becks does seem like a great dad, but I bet you Harper nudged him in the golden balls and asked to go home at least twice.

Secondly this assertion by the media that Harper is a fashionista herself has really boiled my piss. Countless critiques have been trotted out, of hats and capes and Peter Pan collars, and actual quotes from actual adults in the fashion industry as if the kid is paving a career in clothing herself. Izabela Minkiewicz of Knightbridge store Blue Almond (home of the £18 dummy clip – I mean really?), said “She’s classic, but fun and keeps it real with her finger very much on the fashion pulse. She can carry off everything from a chic LBD to a more traditional printed smock dress or even a football kit”. Jeez, woman. The kid is THREE – her finger spends more time up her nose than it does on the pulse of the fashion industry. And of course she can carry most fashions off, she is a cute kid. Why do industry experts feel the need to analyse her like she is making conscious fashion decisions with the eyes of her peers and their parents in mind? Let her be a kid, for frig’s sake. I’d like to see her out and about with Vicky B in an ASDA knock-off Disney princess dress, a superhero cape, wellies and a swimming hat. Then I’ll know she is making her own choices.

Thirdly, and probably the worst thing about this inane ‘news’, has been the way it opens poor Harper up to the criticism of idiotic commentary from Joe (or more likely in this case, Joanna) Public who now see the kid’s appearance as fair game. Scroll to the bottom of any article to find comments about how Harper is ‘odd-looking’ ‘chubby’ or ‘not all that’ and how So-and-so Thingumy’s kid is way cuter. Do these no-marks not understand that they are slagging off an effing toddler? She’s little more than a baby. Wind your necks in ‘ladies’. She’s just tagging along with her mother and she did not ask for and does not deserve this kind of scrutiny. It’s not fair and it’s not on. Thank heaven she cannot read yet, poor little love. I just hope that when she grows up enough to understand, she has her head screwed on enough to recognise jealousy when she sees it. I see it, and it’s far from fashionable, actually.