DADDY (UN)COOL

Our male columnist Olly Lemon finds his boy in a punchy situation

I’m confused. What’s a 2015 role model supposed to be? Picture the scene: a friend's birthday party in a big restaurant. Swarms of children buzz around 15 adults, who try their best to have grown-up conversations whilst children pull on their arms and stick chicken nuggets in their ears. Somewhere, a forgotten ice cream drips into an open handbag.

A soft play area in the restaurant corner offers a brief oasis of relief, and there are almost ten whole minutes of calm before hell erupts and the children flood back to the table screaming, tears running down their little faces.

Through sobs, snatched breaths and sleeve nose-wipes, the story emerges: It seems that my son came to the aid of his best (girl)friend who was being pushed around by an elder boy they didn't know. His chosen means of defence was the well known "scream-and-whirl-your-arms-wildly" technique, which seems to have been pretty effective but has left just about everyone pretty shaken up, not least my son.

So what's the right message here? What should I be telling him as a father? What kind of role model should I be? Obviously, my immediate response is "It's never ok to hit anyone", followed by the appropriate emphasis on the importance of using his words. But is that right? I’m a man. Somewhere in my deep, primitive animal instinct I harbour desires to duel with another man in an attempt to seduce my wife, to rescue helpless children from injustice and to jump in front of a bullet to save the Queen (not sure where this one comes from, but there it is). Perhaps even these statements are old fashioned or too un-PC, it's hard to know. When I turn to Hollywood for role model inspiration I get really confused. I never really noticed how messed up kids films were until you watch them as a parent.

1. Bambi (1942): Mum gets shot, Dad very busy. Son falls in love, is challenged by another young stag called Ronno who he then beats up. Ah.

2. Lion King (1994). Dad murdered by uncle. Son seeks revenge and effectively offers uncle choice of exile or death. Death chosen. Ah. 3. Toy Story 3 (2010). Abused teddy bear sets up cult gang aimed at maiming and abusing other toys. Ah. 4. Frozen (2013). Upon realizing that Hans has been trying to manipulate the (orphaned) sisters to take the throne, sisters have him arrested, deported and imprisoned. OK… except that he gets a good punch in the face first. Ah. It’s a wonder our children bother having any conversation before taking the law into their own little fists. Back to the restaurant. Why do I find myself telling my son he did the wrong thing, when in fact in my eyes he deserves a medal of honour wrapped up in a kinder-egg? What a little legend! Sod it. The world’s big and a child needs to learn. I change tact and buy him an ice cream. “Well done my boy. Never let anyone push you around” I whisper into his ear with a wink as he descends on his vanilla cone. Mufasa would have been proud.