ANGRY BIRD

Stay-at-home-mum? Our resident angry bird and mother-of-two Michelle Harris won't be put in a box

Let me start by saying, I'm not a fan of labels. I do not seek to be defined, to be put in a box, to assign myself, or anyone else, a category. But sometimes one needs a label for practical reasons. Form-filling, box-ticking, brevity, or when you bump into the only person you’ve ever met who isn’t privy to your every mundane move through the wonder of social media, and they ask the question, ‘What are you doing with yourself these days?’ Let’s face it; no one who ever asks that question really wants a full-run down. They want a box ticked, a sound bite, and make it snappy ’cause I’ve got a train to catch. Having recently taken a career break after the birth of my second child, I am struggling to find the words. This is mainly because the phrase ‘Stay-at-Home Mum’ sticks in my throat, and I can’t find a viable alternative.

The problem I have with the phrase is that it’s laden with connotation. This phrase, the now default term for a woman who – for whatever reason – decides that looking after the kids herself is the best childcare option for her family, practically drips with judgment. “Stay-At-Home” is a phrase of Dickensian origin, which conjures up, as Dickens no doubt intended, images of a reclusive weakling who couldn’t hack it in the real world. I could hack it in the real world, I do hack it in the real world, and while we’re at it, what is the real world?

Is child-rearing actually an imaginary pastime, a fiction? It feels bloody real when you’re up to your eyeballs in snot and dribble. As well as being offensive in its negativity, the phrase is also inaccurate. I don’t stay at home much, if I can help it. We’re out in parks playing 'wear out the small people', we’re blowing the cobwebs away, we’re braving the soft-play because I need a coffee and some conversation with other adults while the kids kick-back in a ball pit. Besides, if we stay home too much, I might have to spend more time cleaning it. Perish the thought. So, “Stay-at home Mum” is a box I am loath to tick, but what’s the alternative?

I’ve had a big think about this, and there isn’t one. “Full time mum” implies with more than a potty-full of smuggery that those parents who work in paid employment are somehow lesser parents than I am, and that just isn’t true. I was still a full-time mother when I worked, cheers very much. I didn’t lose the title when I stepped away from the kids to a world where I could drink my tea when it was hot and do a wee unaccompanied.

Is my husband a part-time dad because he works full-time? I think he’d rightly argue otherwise. I am not, and will never, refer to myself as a housewife, with or without the ‘just a’ prefix, as I refuse to define myself even as a box ticking exercise either in terms of my relationship status or my living arrangements. The term has all to do with domestic drudgery and service, and nothing to do with the kids, who were my whole focus in taking a career break in the first place.

The same could be said for the puke-makingly cosy ‘Homemaker’ and similarly, the ‘Domestic Engineer - which is just a bit wanky, let’s be honest. The Americans once tried to run with the term ‘Parenting Professional’, I believe. Sadly anyone who has spent any time with me and the smalls knows that I am very much an enthusiastic amateur, so that's a big fat no.

What do I do?

I trek around the locality and beyond, in a mum-mobile full of crisp crumbs, Disney CDs and inexplicable glitter, in an effort to show my kids stuff I think they will like. I fight a losing battle with the laundry basket. I wipe mouths and bums and tears. I read stories, I cook meals, I play games, I praise, I scold, I laugh, I bribe, and I worry. I sing songs, I tidy toys, and I do a rather convincing impersonation of Prince Hans from Frozen, not that I’m bragging or anything.

I do all the things that other parents do, working or not, but I have chosen at this time in my life not to do another job in addition to all that. What to call it, I have no idea, but none of the current labels work for me. Next time I am faced with that unanswerable question, ‘What are you doing nowadays?’ I am sidestepping the labels altogether. What am I doing? I am winging it. Just like everyone else.