CHOREPLAY, REALLY?

There’s no way to tart it up: cleaning the bog isn’t sexy. Sure, your partner may grind hopefully against you while you’re bent over the sink, scrubbing congealed porridge from a saucepan. But going from polishing the crapper to bow-chicka-wow-wow takes the sexual voraciousness of Katie Price circa 1997.

Mundane, routine and outright tedious (unless you have OCD), there is nothing redeeming about household chores – even if encrusted oats lead to an occasional blowie, the fact that pan has been cast aside with wild abandon will linger post-coitus.

Cue ‘Choreplay’ – the depressing new route to domestic nookie that says blokes should chuck a Hoover about to get some. It's supposedly good for him, good for your abode, and comes with the imprimatur of feminist du jour Sheryl Sandberg.

“If that isn’t exciting enough,” Sandberg writes in the New York Times, “try this: Couples who share chores equally have more sex. As the researchers Constance Gager and Scott Yabiku put it, men and women who work hard, play hard.”

So, in essence he gets to grips with a Brillo pad, you whip his duds off? Oh dear.

‘Choreplay,’ regardless of its zeitgeisty intentions to become a feminist ‘thing’ is blathering nonsense. Despite the ennobling glow of a New York Times opinion piece, it’s the stuff of hackneyed ‘How to Spice Up Your Sex Life’ articles in women’s rags. Think ‘position of the month’ in More magazine – which went down the pan in 2013 – and you’ve got Sandberg’s stance.

It’s not rocket science that a happy union is built on mutual respect – be that offering up a comforting nook after a rubbish day or realising that one person is taking the brunt of tedious life admin. But bartering bog brushing for a blowie?

The whole thing conjures up images of a terrible porno where crusty grundies, dishwasher tablets, tea-stained mugs and rogue pubes are of the essence. Let's just leave the chores out of this and make each other a cuppa once in a while.

In short Sheryl, bog off.