ANGRY BIRD

Resident ranter and mother of two, Michelle Harris nips the breastfeeding debate in the bud

Last week some new research claimed that possibly, maybe, if you ignore a load of other factors that make doing proper research inconvenient, breastfeeding might make your child intelligent and successful. Perhaps. Mummy forums went crazy. Baby groups were full of the desperately smug and the hugely defensive. Branches of Mothercare were awash with hysterical women setting fire to tubs of Aptamil. (The last part is a lie). And, because the research really is not that conclusive or important, the rest of the world didn’t really care.

Of course, some of the press on the subject tried to use this study as yet another stick to beat new mums round the head with, but if they weren’t admonishing/guilt-tripping/emotionally manipulating mothers with feeding choices, they’d be doing it with what colour you dress the kids in, whether you post photos of them on social media, where they sleep, or some such spurious bollocks. My take on it is this: if you believe that breast milk is clever-juice and it is as simple as that, then you are a moron and so your child is probably genetically screwed by your stupidity regardless of how much booby you offer. You’re a parent eternally, and how you feed the tiny mewling creature who changes your world forever for the first few months of their life does not determine who they grow up to be. In some ways, parenting would be much easier if it did: breastfed for six months, check. See you later, Junior, I’m off to get hammered.

I am actually surprised that in 2015, despite all the very conclusive evidence we have that breast milk irrefutably offers babies a wealth of health benefits, and that it can also benefit the health of the mother, that studies still feel the need to keep proving that breast is best. Of course it is. It just is, and arguing against that because you feel bad that you didn’t do it, is just silly. I formula fed both mine (the poor little thickies) and I make no apology. I made an informed choice that I know was best for me and for my family, and I am confident that no harm will befall them because of this. I didn’t choose not to breastfeed because I was embarrassed; I do not find the idea of nursing embarrassing in the slightest. I didn’t choose not to breastfeed because I am brainwashed by a society that views the breast as a purely sexual piece of kit, because I’m not an arsehole.

I know I fed my kids healthy nutritious food that was designed to aid their development. I don’t even have to trot out the clichés about how I tried but couldn’t, or about how I wish I had tried harder, or about how guilty I feel, because basically, I don’t. In today’s world, in a developed country, formula is a valid choice and it’s one I made, and I just do not get why some people act like they are sorry for mothers who make the choice I made, or sad for the babies, or angry at society, or really, like my choices are any of their sodding business. Unless I am sticking a KFC bargain bucket in a blender, then you don’t get to care how I feed my baby, you’re not entitled to an opinion. And on the other side of the coin we can safely assume that unless I ask you directly I don’t give a crap about your mastitis.

I am not anti-breastfeeding. I am just pro-not-being-a-judgmental-bitch. I may not ever have needed to worry about feeding in public, but I’d defend the hell out of any other mother’s right to do so. As a formula feeding mum I am in the minority in my social circle. I know how mind-breakingly tiring, how immensely painful, how self-sacrificing, how rewarding, how emotional the breast-feeding journey can be. I applaud it as a choice and I see how brilliantly it can work out. And it’s free, so job’s a good’un.

But guess what? My breast-feeding friends are not fuckwits, so they recognise that I am not a bad mum for formula-feeding, they do not canonize themselves for their sacrifice, they would never smugly assert their superior parenting skill or their stronger bond. They recognize that my bond, albeit a non-lactating one, is just as true as theirs. And thank heaven for that, or I might have been arrested for ramming a wineglass somewhere I shouldn’t on a girls’ night out.

I think my real problem is in the way research like this is marketed - it is actually counter-productive to the breastfeeding ‘cause’. It makes the guilty feel worse, and it could serve to anger the defensive or the unrepentant. No good will come of it. If funds could be instead diverted to gentle but continuing support for those who wish to breastfeed but find it bloody difficult, maybe some of the guilt quota can be alleviated. If we could somehow find a way for all new mothers to have a decent choice, to have access to the information I chose to search out for myself, then more babies would thrive, and so would their mums.

This finger-pointing sanctimony achieves nothing. Wash the breastmilk down with years of poor diet, and you’ve got a big fat kid, who is only as clever as the help, support and guidance he is given. Let’s not please pretend that intellect is as simple as what you put in your gob. I’d never have got a degree if that were the case, after three years of potnoodle and cheesy chips. In all honesty, by the time kids start school, you cannot pick out the breastfed from the formula fed. And by then, their mums have moved on from this whole affair and are busy hating on each other over whose kid was not invited to whose kid’s party, or which kid’s on the most advanced reading book.

Let’s be glad that we have a choice. Let’s be glad that for lots of mothers, they have free babymilk on tap in packaging Dads go crazy for. Let’s be pleased that babies are thriving because of it. But let’s also understand that formula is not poison, let’s be clear that we’re all just feeding our munchkins and living our lives and making our choices and doing our best. And let’s all calm the hell down, ok, mum-judges? Save the rage for the things that matter.