DADDY (UN)COOL

Our fathering oracle Olly Lemon talks shit. Like, literally.

My wife and I used to live in Singapore where it is very common to have a live-in helper, whose role covers the usual household admin. We moved back to Europe when our elder boy was five months old. Away from the helpers, back to the house admin. Odd decision.

In fact even for those first five months of our son's life in Singapore, we decided not to have live-in help. We wanted to get stuck in, roll up our sleeves, look tired and be "real" parents. Very odd decision.

Three years and another baby later, I can safely say we are stuck in, our sleeves are ragged, we are very tired, extremely wired and I've no fathomable idea what we meant by "real" parenting. And the most exhausting thing of all... poo. If we're not clearing it up, we're talking about it. Parents can swap poo stories for hours.

One of my favourite films is Platoon (1986) – there is a bit where they talk about the "thousand yard stare", which any soldier who has been in action for a long time gets. Well, I might not have been in military combat and I certainly don't mean to disrespect any war veterans, but I reckon that there's a baby poo version of this stare. It's a stare of total surrender and despair, which usually follows a faecally distressing moment. It's a stare that comes when your child redecorates the interior of an airplane toilet as you're trying to change his/her nappy, choosing the only moment where there is not a Pampers gently cladding their derriere to let rip with a torrent of shitty joy. It's the stare for that moment you’re enjoying a bath with your child and you suddenly realise that there is a third party in the water, floating speedily and with terrifying accuracy towards your torso as you try to prevent your baby from drowning. It's the stare for when you're enjoying a picnic with younger, cooler, baby-free friends in the park, only to notice out of the corner of your eye that your urchin seems to have poo seeping out of the neckline of their baby-grow. It's the stare you get when your very sweet naked child sits lovingly on your lap and their face suddenly turns red in extreme concentration and they start to growl. If I could have one piece of advice for my younger self: take the help. Take all the help.