UNCLE AWESOME

He's been thrown in at the kiddie deep-end: Our uncle columnist Chris Henderson redefines 'parental guidance'

So no one asked me. And yet the responsibility of being an uncle has landed on my once carefree shoulders. Although you may find it very easy and amusing being a parent, I had absolutely no choice and was not consulted about being an uncle. And yet, here I am taking my responsibility to that chubby little boob-muncher seriously – ensuring his 'education' covers everything I have garnered through my well-spent/misspent youth.

So what does an uncle do for his nephew? Well, think of all the things you need to ask an adult that you could never ask your own Dad.

1. Can you get me some beer?

2. How do I talk to girls?

3. What’s the deal about sex and drugs?

4. Can you help me level-up on Call of Duty?

5. Who would win in a fight between Bruce Lee and Ben 10?

6. Why does Mum tell me not to pick my nose when my finger fits up there perfectly? Doesn’t that make it an evolutionary necessity?

7. What’s a clitoris?

Now, I don’t imagine all these questions will come up in his first ten years, but I am preparing myself for the familial path ahead:

1. Not until your 14!

2. With charm, wit, honesty and a light sprinkling of narcotics.

3. Do everything that’s legal and a few things that aren’t, but don’t tell your Mum I said that.

4. Damn right I can, but steer clear of the sniper rifle.

5. I'm not answering that.

6. If you demonstrate an alternative to the finger-pick such as the snot-rocket, where you place one finger over the unblocked nostril and breathe out through your nose aggressively, she may say that the finger-pick is better.

7. Good question but knowing is only half the battle.